When The Bough Breaks

I fucking hate children. Little selfish disease ridden bastards. Totally ungrateful too.

I'm a surly guy, and I think most dudes feel this way.  Ladies on the other hand, fucking love kids.

This episode was written by a lady.  And it is about stealing babies.  So, I'm willing to guess the lady writer for this episode was probably a little baby crazy.

This episode starts with with one of the little bastards complaining about not wanting to do his calculus homework, like the petulant little shit he is.

"Fuck you dad!"

So the Enterprise is chillin' in the galaxy and gets lured to a ghost planet.  Some mythical bastards found a way to cloak their planet but for some reason they can't bang anymore and make more of their own dudes.  So, they do what some baby crazy lady would do - steal some kids.  They start by first scanning the Enterprise with their molest-o-ray.

The ghost planet dudes manage to beam off all the kids, at least the most fuckable ones in their eyes. And then yea, they start to hand them off to the most molester-y people on the planet.  For some reason stealing like 6 kids is going to be enough to repopulate their whole planet?  Who knows, like I said a lady wrote this episode and we all know ladies can't do math!  ZING!

"I'm going to fuck this fat kid so hard"

I'm just teasing!  Please still marry me Danica McKellar! She is so slamming it is ridiculous.  Also, I was a nerdy math major (SURPRISE SURPRISE THE GUY WITH THE STAR TREK BLOG WAS A FUCKING MATH MAJOR) and I know first hand that ladies are hella good at math.  Just trying to apologize away a shred of the rampant misogyny in this blog.  Plus get into Danica's hot, nerdy pants.

I digress.

So like I said, kids are fucking dirtbags and don't appreciate a god damn thing.  Almost right away they are super pumped to be with their new molesters.

"I love you new mommy!"

Then again I might want to bail if my mom was this nasty haired lady.

go to a Paul Mitchell you freak bitch

But yea, this lady goes baby crazy almost immediately.  

"THIS CREEPY GINGER IS MINE, ASSHOLES!"

There is one extremely remarkable thing about this episode: Wesley is not a total boner.  He manages to corral these little shits into a hunger strike and be sort of reliable without being an obnoxious weasel.  I guess that is one thing this lady writer is good at!  

Anyways turns out these creepy molester invisible planet weirdos don't know how to do shit and have been relying on their comp-u-tron 7000 to run things for them for 10,000 years or something retarded.  The badass bridge crew manages to infiltrate the planet, shut things down, and get the kids back.  Why the Enterprise didn't just throw a party upon learning that they were a few kids short is beyond me.  At the end, Picard validates my opening thesis that all stone cold badasses (like myself...right?!) fucking hate kids.

especially ginger kids