TNGS2: Contagion

The first three minutes of this episode are 10 trillion times better than the whole last one. Neutral zone, Galaxy class ship blowing up, black captain with an awesome stache, Romulans! I mean shit. Seriously, god damn I am still mad about that shitty Wesley episode I had to watch.

Uhh, well shit. I got kinda too engrossed in this episode to take anymore screen caps. There wasn't really anything to make fun of, just fucking solid. Once again, I guess because of the writer's strike they were just looking around for anybody to write an episode. This one was done by the office computer guy.

So the black wizard captain of the Yamato was on a mission to find some archeological site, and his ship started acting all kuh-razy and then blew itself up. Kuh-razy! Then, Picard orders tea and gets a potted plant instead! Super kuh-razy!

It just so happens that the old alien guys gave the ships a computer virus (oh no!!!!), Data too, and the solution?

Ridiculous. This episode is still greatness, I mean maybe just because I watched it right after that last abomination - but I will give it the benefit of the doubt. I give this episode the rating of 43 Conan O'Briens.

TNGS2: The Dauphin

God damn I don't remember this one at all. Probably because it is a shitty Wesley episode. Don't try to fool us into thinking Wesley likes girls - we all know the truth. His little onesies, his pompadour, this whole fucking episode is god damn awkward Wesley pretending he likes girls. Fucking terrible. How are you going to have a shitty Wesley episode right after a beast like Measure of a Man. Fucking shameful.

fucking hate you wesley

So yea, there is some girl who is supposed to be head honcho of some backwater planet that nobody knows or cares about. She falls in love with stupid boner Wesley for some god damn reason and of course that is bad news. Everybody tries to tell her that Wesley is a crybaby wiener and that he is totally not worth it but of course that just makes her like him more. It is like they don't know dumb teenage girls at all. She is pretty dang hot though.

There is a scene where she has some random other hot girl in her room and I'm waiting for them to start making out or something but no, she turns into a fucking little ewok thing. This episode sucks. The ewok things make this horrible fucking noise too, like a drunk guy with down's syndrome who just realized the absurdity of his own existence.

you know, maybe just make out a little

wtf

The plot of this episode is so dumb I can't be bothered to care. There are three funny scenes though, one is Worf getting a bone thinking about mating with some nasty Klingon ladies and getting all pervy. Another is when Geordi realizes that Wesley has his little girl boner and can't work. "Eventually you will give up on girls and hang out in engineering like me Wes."

The last funny thing is any time they do the weird ewok shape shifting thing the stop motion effects are horrible. This show blows my mind, sometimes the effects and sets will badass and then sometimes....ridiculous.

seriously look at this ridiculous thing

Best part of the episode? Wesley looking sad.

Worst part? Wesley being a little crybaby for the 8,000th time. "Oh I fell in love with you in 13 minutes and then you turned out to be a shapeshifting weirdo wah wah wah". Man up, shitheel. Sometimes the lady turns out to be not as awesome as she looks.

SO MANY FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS

I give this episode -37 stars. Fuck you Dauphin.

she is too hot for you anyways 

TNGS2: The Measure of a Man

Fuck man I am slipping. Was hoping to be on a season/month pace but I am being a piece of shit "playing music" and "dating a girl"- Rick Berman would be ashamed of me, worst Trek fan ever.

Episode starts with something I had forgotten about, the bridge crew poker game. Right off the bat I can tell something is a little different with this episode, new director or something. Different shots and camera angles and whatnot than usual. It is not anything major, but just this shot pointing up towards the characters with the Enterprise chillin in the background is a nice change of pace. I like/am ashamed that I am able to notice these things.

This is a pretty rad one, has all the elements that make a good Trek episode for me. For one, it is basically a Picard episode even though it revolves around the philosophical implications of Data. Anytime they let Patrick Stewart off the leash is going to be fucking amazing. Also, this episode deals with the banality of Starfleet which for some fucking stupid reason always fascinates me.

The crux of this episode is that some fucking weasel wants to take Data apart and build a shitload more. But apparently the operation is not without risks, so Data doesn't want to do it. Fucking weasely asshole guy decides to be a little bitch and get his admiral buddy to pull some strings and get Data declared as property.

Check out that ridiculous admiral's uniform. Fake ass Adrian Brody on the right there is the weasel. Apparently he is some shitty robotics guy and hates Data because he is not as cool as him. Picard, knowing that his monologues are unstoppable killing machines, challenges the Starfleet ruling in a military court, which is run by the same lady who tried to court martial him after the Stargazer incident.

"I want your Jean-Luc dong"

Picard has an ace up his sleeve in that this lady is begging for it. They get the trial underway, and with a little "this is just like slavery" pep talk from Whoopi, Picard fucking nails it and shows that weasel what is up. Also, Data has to admit that he banged Tasha in court which is p funny.

Like I said man, cool fucking episode. Manages to touch on some heavy shit without being overly preachy or ridiculous. I had forgotten about this one and I am surprised it was from season 2. Apparently the writer's strike was still going on so they dug up fucking lawyer scab script and changed some names around but I'll be damned if it didn't work. And yea, first time out for director Robert Scheerer, nailed it bro. Some cool shots:

Time for some fun Data facts too:
Storage Capacity: 800 quadrillion bits (100 PB) (The entire internet now is 5.8 PB)
Processor Speed: 60 trillion ops/ec (60 THz)

TNGS2: A Matter of Honor

Man the intro to this episode is weird. Strangely dull, I guess it is sort of what it would be like to live on the ship day to day as they are doing some crew transfers. Then, Picard and Riker and go some wildass phaser range. I dunno, there is no music, it is just a weird vibe.

I guess Riker is going to temporarily hang out on a Klingon ship? Thought it would be a good time. There is a fart sniffer guy back from before too.

Fart sniffer is a total dick, acting like he owns the place. A typical trait of fart sniffers I guess. Fucks shit up for everybody in this episode with his nasty fart breath. Wesley has a crush on him and they almost touch wieners on the bridge.

He notices some doodoo growing on the Klingon ship and doesn't tell anybody. Then, the doodoo starts growing on the Enterprise. But oh no, Riker is hanging with his Klingon bros and they think he did it!

Riker hanging out on the Klingon ship is pretty rad. He beats some ass, suggets a threesome with some nasty Klingon ladies, eats worms and hearts and shit, good times.

As a quick aside, I fucking love the way Klingon Birds of Prey look. Sorta weird that they have the Birds of Prey and the Romulans got Warbirds, cool theme I guess.

Fart breath finds a way to get rid of the doodoo on the ships, but the Klingons are still convinced it was an attack. Riker uses his good looks and wits to remove the Klingon captain and takes over, saving the day, as usual, with grace and dignity for all parties involved. There is a reason I am growing this shitty Riker beard, maybe one day I can be 1/30th as cool as a fictional starfleet officer.

thats doodoo baby!

TNGS2: Unnatural Selection

aww yisss

ALRIGHT NERDS, this episode is surprisingly not bad despite the fact that it spits in the face of the official Star Trek canon. SPITS IN ITS FACE I SAY. More on this later.

Enterprise is straight chillin, as usual, and gets a distress call from some transport ship. I always imagined it would be a total bummer to be a captain on some shitty starship, going from shit planet to shit planet, carrying loads of ore or whatever. It is easy to get lost in the ritz and glamour of the Enterprise but god damnit somebody has got to the shit work. Picard 'n' crew roll up to the shitship and nobody is home, so they decide to hack their shit and find out what the deal is.

Oh noes, everybody is a dead Frankenstein monster! But seriously you guys! Apparently everybody over there got real old real fast. Which is a total bummer, because being old sucks a lot dudes. I just had to go visit my grandmother in a physical therapy rehab center and god damn, totally blowing my brains out before I get old. Totes not worth it.

Like the awesome detectives they are, Enterprise krew decides to backtrack on the cargo vessel's last stops and they head to some research outpost. At said outpost shit is bad because everybody there has the same disease! Crap!

Turns out down there they are doing genetic engineering on humans. Tsk tsk! DON'T YOU KNOW, SHITTY STAR TREK WRITERS, THAT GENETIC ENGINEERING WAS OUTLAWED AFTER WORLD WAR III? DON'T YOU REMEMBER KHAN? KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In any case, planet bros are super bummed because they made a bunch of young looking A.C. Slater's and want to save them! But Picard says no, not swayed by their handsomeness.

uncomfortably handsome

Stupid Pulaski wants to bring them on board and thinks she is super smart but Picard says no some more. She thinks she is sooooooooooo smart so she decides to treat the patient on a shuttle away from everyone  else. But, she sucks, and gets sick from the handsome kid. Oh and they are telepaths, did I mention that?

Enterprise decides "well fuck you then" and drops her off on the planet to get old and die. Sort of like what you do when your grandparents get way too old, drop them off on a home somewhere.

"How about some bingo, deary?"

Pulaski also has the nerve to shit on Data some more, but he is a total badass and saves the day. Then, the Enterprise goes back and blows up the Frankenstein ship. Bummer dudes!

PEACE OUT BITCHES

TNGS2: Schizoid Man

Hell yea, I like this episode for a couple of reasons. One, it is more or less Data centric and Data is just so god damned lovable - the ultimate Tin Man.  The allegory is laid on pretty thick in this one but all is forgiven.

Two, it has one of the unintentionally funniest lines ever in Star Trek:

WOMEN AREN'T PEOPLE! I was hanging out with a buddy of mine who had never smoked weed before and is also a huge Trek nerd. So there we are, all fucking blasted, and this hambone actor drops that line and we both start laughing our asses off. Had to be there I guess.

Lastly, this episode actually touches on something pretty fucking heavy - the ability to download and store a human consciousness - essentially immortality. This is a big hoopla in this day in age called the Technological Singularity, the theory that eventually our computational power will become so great we can download ourselves. The only fucking nitpick (always gotta have one) is that Star Trek will just be like "oh yea we can do this now" and then never talk about it again. They realize one of humanity's greatest dreams and then just move on like nothing ever happened. If you had the chance to download your personality and live in a perfect robot body once you got old, fuck yea you would do it.

Anywho, this episode is about this super smart scientist bro dying and stealing Data's body. I have teased the shit out of Brent Spiner before but at this point he is playing Data pretty well. In fact, he is pretty dang good as a guy trying to pretend to BE Data. Brent Spiner bringing out his old Night Court chops here.

There is a really funny scene at Grave's funeral when everybody sort of figures out that shit is wrong and crosses their arms, incredulously.

Later, Picard is trying to nail Grave's old assistant which makes Data/Ira lose his shit. He lets on to his hussy wannabe girlfriend but she wants nothing to do with him now. Dudes always gotta go all crazy for some lady and screw up everything. The fuckin' way she goes. Picard quotes some Shakespeare and saves the day. Thats when you know you got problems, when P. Stewart busts out the sonnets and the stage falls.

Oh, and in this episode Data has a beard.

TNGS2: Loud as a Whisper

Man god damnit, I thought the next episode was Schizoid Man but no, it is this claptrap. That one rules and this one, not so much, but hey, we we are watching ALL the Star Treks here. Even the shitty ones, hell, especially the shitty ones. At least I get my Ron Jones, it is really sad at this point that I can tell whether or not it is one of his episodes almost immediately. This is quickly turning into a Ron Jones gay fanfic blog, so buckle up y'all.

So Handsome!

Back to this god damn episode about this no talking bearded rapist.

Totally a raper.

So, this fucking asshole has three other shitheads who talk for him and read his thoughts. It is fucking obnoxious and surprise surprise, so is this this guy.

Each of those assholes represents a different part of his personality, the nerd, the rapist, and the cunt. So, whatever part of beardo's personality wants to talk, one of the other dorks does. God forbid you get the system wrong because then the ginger beardo throws a god damn hissy fit.

And of course, he is automatically in love with Troi since she is an intergalactically known prostitute.  So, Beardo takes his rapist guy with him to double team her. The other two schlubs are left to their own devices - sorta awkward. Troi once again falls for them almost instantly, I feel really bad for Riker having probably gotten space-clap from her.

Seriously, this is their fucking date, dude creeping around behind them. 

Beardo gets c-blocked by his fucking job, throws another big baby hissy fit, but then gets to it. He is a negotiator of some sort, hired to bring peace to two shitty aliens that have been fighting for 1500 years. Good luck with that bro.

They all beam down to the surface and then the coolest shit ever happens, one of the aliens blasts away his god damn interpreters, leaving stupid beardo to run around throwing sign language nobody understands.

nice acting, dorks

Turns out the actor playing the beardo is actually deaf in real life, and in case you didn't know, deaf people in real life are kinda assholes.  Seriously they take the deaf lifestyle super duper seriously and get mad when you talk shit about deaf people. So yea, fuck you deaf bastards.

This interpretor guy throws another giant hissy fit after they die and almost refuses to help. This guy is fucking made of hissy fits. But then Troi cries and gets her way and makes him quit being a little deaf bitch. Can't stand crybabies and this guy is the worst fuckin' crybaby ever. So, finally, Troi and her sluttiness pay off, they go down and everybody lives happily ever after. Of course the deaf bastard playing the beardo proposed the new ending which is that learning sign language saved the day for everybody. 

Seriously, fuck deaf people.

"nuh, fuh yu"

TNGS2: The Outrageous Okona

Oh man this lame ass episode.

It is about a dork with a mullett and a puffy shirt who bangs the space skanks on the enterprise, including Terry Hatcher.

If that wasn't bad enough, they had a b-plot of Data trying to learn how to be funny from god damn Joe Piscopo - which is like trying to learn how to be a Christian from Ted Haggard. (heyoooooo)

There is only one good scene in this whole episode, and it is when Worf is sent to hunt down puffy shirt from some hussy's quarters.  Ron Jones lays down a badass Worf theme as he is on the hunt.

So then some other space dorks are on the hunt for puffy shirt mullet man and they find him but oh no they were confused the whole time. Then some shitty w-list actors proclaim their love to each other, the end. Fuck this episode.

TNGS2: Elementary, Dear Data

Ha. This was the first episode of Trek I ever decided to watch on my own.  I was a little confused since I didn't know what the fuck was going on, let alone what a holodeck was. Then again, 15 years later and I'm writing a god damn Star Trek blog.

So yea, this is another holodeck episode which I'm normally not big on but this one is pretty fucking rad.  Nerdy Geordi and Data decide to get a little R&R by playing dress up and solving Sherlock Holmes mysteries, which really sounds pretty dang fun.  Then again this is the beginning of the realization that Geordi needs a god damn girlfriend to keep his nerddom from running his life.  Sound familiar?

"check out my sweet ship android bro"

Data and Geordi head off to the holodeck and Data makes Geordi play bitch ass Watson to his Holmes. Data, however, is no fun to play with and Geordi gets upset and throws a hissy fit, runs out of the holodeck back to 10-forward to cry.

grow a pair, dear Watson

To be fair Data was sort of being a dick about it and immediately solving all the mysteries since he doesn't know any better.  Then again it is like getting mad at a poorly trained dog. Your fault, not his, you butthole.  Dr. Asshole Pulaski chimes in to say that Data sucks and could never do anything great because he is a robot, blah blah, she is a total cunt to him constantly.  Nobody likes you Pulaski.

In an effort to prove that beeitch wrong, Geordi tells the computer to make an enemy super tough for Data, which it does in Prof. Moriarty.

The guy playing Moriarty, Daniel Davis, is actually pretty badass at it.  He is some regular schmoe journeyman actor but kills it here.  He is sort like a Michael Parks, just willing to knock it out of the park for some schlub role on Star Trek.

Apparently by asking the computer to create a tough nemesis for Data, it managed to create a sentient hologram that was able to take over the ship.  It is highly preposterous (you have to say that with a nerd voice) that this could occur, but nonetheless it does. There is some psuedo-intellectual babble about the nature of AI and all that but the Moriarty character, with dignity, recognizes the situation and relinquishes control pack to Picard (after the speech of course).

Cool sets, cool costumes, some even decent FX, all around rad episode.  Season 2 is getting along quite nicely - maybe I just like this one so much because there is no Wesley.

TNGS2: Where Silence Has Lease

More hallucinogen inspired nature of reality babble going on here.  Despite some flaws, this is really a pretty nice episode, especially given some of the constraints.  The opening scene is sort of bizarre, and feels like they spent all their money on it.  It is Riker joining Worf on his "workout" sessions on the holodeck, fucking dudes up with his power glove.

This scene sort of rules.  It set is light years ahead of anything they had in the first season, and the dudes they are fighting are genuinely creepy as hell.  There is even some Riker sexiness going on.

This part really makes Worf seem like an out of control animal.  After he ices his dude he almost kills Riker in the heeeaaaaaat of the moooooment. The also-sexy Jean Luc is concerned.

Patrick Stewart is one of those guys who makes acting look easy as hell.  He recites all these cheesy lines with such conviction you can't help but get into it.  Watching the rest of these schlubs figure their shit out while he is just dancing circles around them is...well, you feel embarrassed for the other actors.  They're getting better but god damn he is a pro and was from day one.

Besides the holodeck scene, Where Silence Has Lease takes place entirely on the Enterprise sets.  The plot is fuckin dumb, the Enterprise flies into a giant space blob which is actually the home of some sentient weirdo face and has to figure its way out.

different colored space jizz!!!!

Despite the silliness of it all, there are a lot of cool shots, a lot of cool music, and some decent acting by the whole cast to make some parts genuinely creepy.  Riker and Worf are over on some ghost ship and I'll be danged if I wasn't really a little freaked out.  My main nigga Ron Jones holding it down with the music again.

Anyways stupid space face wants to kill half the crew for funsies so Picard says fuck it I'll blow up the whole ship instead (what a badass).  There is a scene where Picard is ready to go down with the ship and he is listening to Trois Gymnopédies by Erik Satie and yea sure its maybe a little over the top but dang if that ain't some poignant music.

TNG brings back the tradition of the red shirt here with some ensign who is unfortunately not Wesley. Space face decides to kill him and it is sorta funny looking.

<insert racist joke here>

The face decides to let them go, the end.  I'm giving this episode the rating of mad decent.
Edit: lol