TNGS2: The Child

Thought I could stay away but god damn, Trek, you are too alluring.  I also thought about maybe switching gears and doing a season of Enterprise or something but I'll save that for when I'm feeling for masochistic.

So! Season 2! Some big changes! Geordi is Chief Engineer, finally. Worf is Head of Security, finally. Riker's (in)famous beard is born, Crusher is replaced (temporarily) by Dr. Pulaski (boo), fucking Whoopie Golberg?, and Wesley has a new onesie!

Everything feels a bit tighter in the new season.  Some nicer graphics and what not, I guess they were doing pretty good at this point and could afford to spend more on some shots.  There is a scene of a shuttle taking off that doesn't look fuckin ridiculous, so that is something.

It is a shame that this episode is so dumb, being the first one of the new season.  I guess they were still fucked from the writer's strike so they rehashed some old TOS script that never got used. This one is about intergalactic super whore Deanna Troi getting pregnant by some weird space seed.  I guess it heard she was a freak bitch and decided to knock her up.

There is a hilarious scene where the whole bridge crew talks about how big of a slut she is and whether or not to abort her whore baby.  But she totally freaks out and goes baby crazy.

Wallow in shame, harlot

Because of its space based magical properties, the energy-jizz-whatever thing turns into a kid in like 2 days.  Troi goes from normal to knocked up to birthing awfully quickly.  The birth scene is ridiculous, I guess her betazoidgina is so stretched out from whichever truck stop they were at getting dilithium that they little niglet just flys right out. Deanna doesn't feel anything.

"daaaaaaaaamn nigga u pregnant"

So, instead of being like "Oh I got space raped and now I have this weird freak baby" Deanna is more like "I'M A MOM NOW MEET MY SON IAN ISN'T THAT AWESOME?  DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT MY FREAK BABY GREW 4 FEET IN 20 MINUTES AND CAN TALK AND SHIT.  HE IS MY BAAAAAAAAABY!!!  BAAAAAABBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!"

God damn that kid is fucking ugly.  And annoying too!  Fuck I hate kids.

Anyways blah blah freak baby is making some weird virus they are transporting on board go out of control so he turns back into a space-seed-light-thingy and floats off.  Troi cries because her 2 day old weird not even really human son is gone, wtf, and then everything is back to normal.  Oh man but then we have to hear for like 10 minutes some god damn Wesley shit.  "wah wah wah I want to stay on the Enterprise.  wah wah wah I don't want pear juice from galactus 9 whoopie goldberg!" Looks like we are stuck with crybaby asshole Wesley for a while.

tee-hee

Two awesome things about this episode to wrap things up.  One, the guy transporting whatever plague thing is hilarious looking and two, fuck yea Colm Meaney.  One of my favorite Trek actors (and characters really, O'Brien rules and I named a song after him) is finally transporter chief.  If we have to have Whoopie (she must have really needed money), I'm glad we got Mr. Meaney too.

sup Donald 

<3 U SO MUCH COLM <3

STATE OF THE BLOG

Greetings cretins. We are one season down and only have uhh, like 30 to go. Fuck.

Pat yourselves on the back because we got 100 WHOLE VISITORS TO JIM LOVES TREK. MONUMENTAL!

Coming soon I will start on season 2 of TNG and plow through.  Also, I will be introducing guest posts where, you guessed it, GUEST WILL WRITE POSTS ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY ALSO LOVE TREK. And space jizz.

First guest post will be dirtbag poet laureate Stephan Urr-kell Kilpatrick, giving y'all some DS9 love.  Stay tuned.

<3

The Neutral Zone

I should probably not be trying to watch this episode right after the masterpiece that is Conspiracy. Oh well. Picard is off TCBn when the Enterprise finds some old POS cryogenics satellite.

Spooky! Picard gets back and its right into The Neutral Zone. They find some frozen dudes on the space ship that aren't skeletons and revive them.

This is back to silly character stories and I am just not having it. Even the Ron Jones music sorta blows. Apparently this episode was supposed to introduce the Borg but they couldn't because of some fucking writer's strike.  Fucking writers, total assholes.  Ruined god damn Pushing Daisies.

There is a lot of time wasting talking about the cryo-dudes feelings and shit.  I was right earlier, I can't be bothered to care about these dorks, should have waited a sec.

The main plot is still sorta rad.  We get to see a Romulan Warbird in all its glory. Fucking huge, awesome ships.

Romulans are awesome, like evil twin Vulcans.  Total dicks too, I like that in a species.  They make ballsy threats and then take off.

Anyways, the Romulans have some bases destroyed by the Borg too, nice setup for the future ultra bad dudes of the series.  Too bad the B plot was so fucking annoying.

edit: whoaaaaa, didn't realize I just finished the first season!  fuck yea!

Conspiracy

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We'll Always Have Paris

So all of a sudden you are fencing with your bro and then you start tripping balls through time.

Fencing seems like such a suave sport, of course Picard plays it.  I have a cousin who fences, and he was getting recruited for a scholarship at NYU when he was like, 13.  Taking trips to Switzerland and shit.  Fuck him.

The temporal ball tripping was due to some scientist on some planet or another.  I guess Picard was in love with her but then bailed because was being a big pussy. Hey it happens to the best of us.  He makes a ridiculous recreation of some cafe in Paris.

The holodeck puts a couple of french hussies in the cafe and one of them is ridiculously good looking. Love that french accent!

Picard's real life lady is not nearly as slammin'

Crazy foil lady was working in a lab with the time scientist guy and shit blew up and killed a bunch of people.  Crusher is getting mad jealous with picard's old slit around.

Shit starts getting weird with the time travel and whatnot.  Gonna go ahead and say that I frankly do not care for time travel plots.  They are always ridiculous and usually have zero repercussions.

oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

There is some new dork transporter chief who almost kills everybody. Looks like a god damn yokel.

The professor's name is Mannheim and god damn if that isn't the funniest name ever. He wakes up from his coma or whatever and he starts talking like some dude who tripped on LSD or something.

Rest of the episode is time distortion this, time distortion that. And Picard trying to get his d wet. Never does though, which is sort of a bummer. Hopefully he spends some time with the hot holodeck lady, who the internets tell me is Isabel Lorca. 

So yea, time jargon, Data saves the day, who cares. God damnit why are all my least favorite episodes written by girls?  Picard gives a good lesson for all the bros out there - don't be a big sloppy pussy when you got a lady.

Skin of Evil

ohhhhh yeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa


GREAT episode.

not for long lady 

yet ANOTHER chief engineer

Almost lose Troi at the beginning of this episode too.  God damn how great would that be, knocking out Yar and Troi in one episode.

Oh yea, this is the one where Tasha Yar dies.  Like I said, great episode.

Stupid Denise Crosby was "not happy" with her role on the show, blah blah blah, decided she wanted out. So, the writers, I'm sure gleefully, killed her character off.  But then she realized she made a horrible career decision and begs to be brought back!  So she shows up later on in the show as some other character.  THEN, has the gall to produce the Trekkies documentary.  She is like the shitty girlfriend that dumps you for some greasy italian guy and then wants you back after he gave her herpes.  fuck you beeitch

Planet whatever 2 has the same shitty TOS style landscape as the rest of the sets on these early episodes. Before the away team and get to the wreckage a big pile of goo is in the way.  Super shitty graphics here for the goo, looks drawn on.

Oooo big scary goop man.

Hahahaha man the voice acting for the goo pile is hysterical. I feel like the Star Trek actors are either really good or some community theater rejects.  This guy is definitely the latter.

Tasha ends up mouthing off to it and dies for her insolence.

 Roll, stuntman, roll!

I.....die....!

Not even the other actors give a shit. "Oh, she's dead".  Hahahahaha what in the fuck is on her face here?  Sweet tattoo I guess:

After a "valiant" effort, she finally is pronounced dead. Like I said last post, good riddance.

Jesus Christ, I just read that the shitty actor who plays the goop monster died of AIDS too.  His character is ridiculous, like an overgrown weirdo that you knew in high school with no friends.  Even sounds like a mouthbreather. He is defeated by the unstoppable Patrick Stewart monologue. This episode is really an embarrassment all around, but, at the very least we got rid of Tasha. For some reason her funeral is on the Windows XP default background.