TNGS2: Elementary, Dear Data

Ha. This was the first episode of Trek I ever decided to watch on my own.  I was a little confused since I didn't know what the fuck was going on, let alone what a holodeck was. Then again, 15 years later and I'm writing a god damn Star Trek blog.

So yea, this is another holodeck episode which I'm normally not big on but this one is pretty fucking rad.  Nerdy Geordi and Data decide to get a little R&R by playing dress up and solving Sherlock Holmes mysteries, which really sounds pretty dang fun.  Then again this is the beginning of the realization that Geordi needs a god damn girlfriend to keep his nerddom from running his life.  Sound familiar?

"check out my sweet ship android bro"

Data and Geordi head off to the holodeck and Data makes Geordi play bitch ass Watson to his Holmes. Data, however, is no fun to play with and Geordi gets upset and throws a hissy fit, runs out of the holodeck back to 10-forward to cry.

grow a pair, dear Watson

To be fair Data was sort of being a dick about it and immediately solving all the mysteries since he doesn't know any better.  Then again it is like getting mad at a poorly trained dog. Your fault, not his, you butthole.  Dr. Asshole Pulaski chimes in to say that Data sucks and could never do anything great because he is a robot, blah blah, she is a total cunt to him constantly.  Nobody likes you Pulaski.

In an effort to prove that beeitch wrong, Geordi tells the computer to make an enemy super tough for Data, which it does in Prof. Moriarty.

The guy playing Moriarty, Daniel Davis, is actually pretty badass at it.  He is some regular schmoe journeyman actor but kills it here.  He is sort like a Michael Parks, just willing to knock it out of the park for some schlub role on Star Trek.

Apparently by asking the computer to create a tough nemesis for Data, it managed to create a sentient hologram that was able to take over the ship.  It is highly preposterous (you have to say that with a nerd voice) that this could occur, but nonetheless it does. There is some psuedo-intellectual babble about the nature of AI and all that but the Moriarty character, with dignity, recognizes the situation and relinquishes control pack to Picard (after the speech of course).

Cool sets, cool costumes, some even decent FX, all around rad episode.  Season 2 is getting along quite nicely - maybe I just like this one so much because there is no Wesley.

TNGS2: Where Silence Has Lease

More hallucinogen inspired nature of reality babble going on here.  Despite some flaws, this is really a pretty nice episode, especially given some of the constraints.  The opening scene is sort of bizarre, and feels like they spent all their money on it.  It is Riker joining Worf on his "workout" sessions on the holodeck, fucking dudes up with his power glove.

This scene sort of rules.  It set is light years ahead of anything they had in the first season, and the dudes they are fighting are genuinely creepy as hell.  There is even some Riker sexiness going on.

This part really makes Worf seem like an out of control animal.  After he ices his dude he almost kills Riker in the heeeaaaaaat of the moooooment. The also-sexy Jean Luc is concerned.

Patrick Stewart is one of those guys who makes acting look easy as hell.  He recites all these cheesy lines with such conviction you can't help but get into it.  Watching the rest of these schlubs figure their shit out while he is just dancing circles around them is...well, you feel embarrassed for the other actors.  They're getting better but god damn he is a pro and was from day one.

Besides the holodeck scene, Where Silence Has Lease takes place entirely on the Enterprise sets.  The plot is fuckin dumb, the Enterprise flies into a giant space blob which is actually the home of some sentient weirdo face and has to figure its way out.

different colored space jizz!!!!

Despite the silliness of it all, there are a lot of cool shots, a lot of cool music, and some decent acting by the whole cast to make some parts genuinely creepy.  Riker and Worf are over on some ghost ship and I'll be danged if I wasn't really a little freaked out.  My main nigga Ron Jones holding it down with the music again.

Anyways stupid space face wants to kill half the crew for funsies so Picard says fuck it I'll blow up the whole ship instead (what a badass).  There is a scene where Picard is ready to go down with the ship and he is listening to Trois Gymnopédies by Erik Satie and yea sure its maybe a little over the top but dang if that ain't some poignant music.

TNG brings back the tradition of the red shirt here with some ensign who is unfortunately not Wesley. Space face decides to kill him and it is sorta funny looking.

<insert racist joke here>

The face decides to let them go, the end.  I'm giving this episode the rating of mad decent.
Edit: lol

TNGS2: The Child

Thought I could stay away but god damn, Trek, you are too alluring.  I also thought about maybe switching gears and doing a season of Enterprise or something but I'll save that for when I'm feeling for masochistic.

So! Season 2! Some big changes! Geordi is Chief Engineer, finally. Worf is Head of Security, finally. Riker's (in)famous beard is born, Crusher is replaced (temporarily) by Dr. Pulaski (boo), fucking Whoopie Golberg?, and Wesley has a new onesie!

Everything feels a bit tighter in the new season.  Some nicer graphics and what not, I guess they were doing pretty good at this point and could afford to spend more on some shots.  There is a scene of a shuttle taking off that doesn't look fuckin ridiculous, so that is something.

It is a shame that this episode is so dumb, being the first one of the new season.  I guess they were still fucked from the writer's strike so they rehashed some old TOS script that never got used. This one is about intergalactic super whore Deanna Troi getting pregnant by some weird space seed.  I guess it heard she was a freak bitch and decided to knock her up.

There is a hilarious scene where the whole bridge crew talks about how big of a slut she is and whether or not to abort her whore baby.  But she totally freaks out and goes baby crazy.

Wallow in shame, harlot

Because of its space based magical properties, the energy-jizz-whatever thing turns into a kid in like 2 days.  Troi goes from normal to knocked up to birthing awfully quickly.  The birth scene is ridiculous, I guess her betazoidgina is so stretched out from whichever truck stop they were at getting dilithium that they little niglet just flys right out. Deanna doesn't feel anything.

"daaaaaaaaamn nigga u pregnant"

So, instead of being like "Oh I got space raped and now I have this weird freak baby" Deanna is more like "I'M A MOM NOW MEET MY SON IAN ISN'T THAT AWESOME?  DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT MY FREAK BABY GREW 4 FEET IN 20 MINUTES AND CAN TALK AND SHIT.  HE IS MY BAAAAAAAAABY!!!  BAAAAAABBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!"

God damn that kid is fucking ugly.  And annoying too!  Fuck I hate kids.

Anyways blah blah freak baby is making some weird virus they are transporting on board go out of control so he turns back into a space-seed-light-thingy and floats off.  Troi cries because her 2 day old weird not even really human son is gone, wtf, and then everything is back to normal.  Oh man but then we have to hear for like 10 minutes some god damn Wesley shit.  "wah wah wah I want to stay on the Enterprise.  wah wah wah I don't want pear juice from galactus 9 whoopie goldberg!" Looks like we are stuck with crybaby asshole Wesley for a while.

tee-hee

Two awesome things about this episode to wrap things up.  One, the guy transporting whatever plague thing is hilarious looking and two, fuck yea Colm Meaney.  One of my favorite Trek actors (and characters really, O'Brien rules and I named a song after him) is finally transporter chief.  If we have to have Whoopie (she must have really needed money), I'm glad we got Mr. Meaney too.

sup Donald 

<3 U SO MUCH COLM <3

STATE OF THE BLOG

Greetings cretins. We are one season down and only have uhh, like 30 to go. Fuck.

Pat yourselves on the back because we got 100 WHOLE VISITORS TO JIM LOVES TREK. MONUMENTAL!

Coming soon I will start on season 2 of TNG and plow through.  Also, I will be introducing guest posts where, you guessed it, GUEST WILL WRITE POSTS ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY ALSO LOVE TREK. And space jizz.

First guest post will be dirtbag poet laureate Stephan Urr-kell Kilpatrick, giving y'all some DS9 love.  Stay tuned.

<3

The Neutral Zone

I should probably not be trying to watch this episode right after the masterpiece that is Conspiracy. Oh well. Picard is off TCBn when the Enterprise finds some old POS cryogenics satellite.

Spooky! Picard gets back and its right into The Neutral Zone. They find some frozen dudes on the space ship that aren't skeletons and revive them.

This is back to silly character stories and I am just not having it. Even the Ron Jones music sorta blows. Apparently this episode was supposed to introduce the Borg but they couldn't because of some fucking writer's strike.  Fucking writers, total assholes.  Ruined god damn Pushing Daisies.

There is a lot of time wasting talking about the cryo-dudes feelings and shit.  I was right earlier, I can't be bothered to care about these dorks, should have waited a sec.

The main plot is still sorta rad.  We get to see a Romulan Warbird in all its glory. Fucking huge, awesome ships.

Romulans are awesome, like evil twin Vulcans.  Total dicks too, I like that in a species.  They make ballsy threats and then take off.

Anyways, the Romulans have some bases destroyed by the Borg too, nice setup for the future ultra bad dudes of the series.  Too bad the B plot was so fucking annoying.

edit: whoaaaaa, didn't realize I just finished the first season!  fuck yea!

Conspiracy

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We'll Always Have Paris

So all of a sudden you are fencing with your bro and then you start tripping balls through time.

Fencing seems like such a suave sport, of course Picard plays it.  I have a cousin who fences, and he was getting recruited for a scholarship at NYU when he was like, 13.  Taking trips to Switzerland and shit.  Fuck him.

The temporal ball tripping was due to some scientist on some planet or another.  I guess Picard was in love with her but then bailed because was being a big pussy. Hey it happens to the best of us.  He makes a ridiculous recreation of some cafe in Paris.

The holodeck puts a couple of french hussies in the cafe and one of them is ridiculously good looking. Love that french accent!

Picard's real life lady is not nearly as slammin'

Crazy foil lady was working in a lab with the time scientist guy and shit blew up and killed a bunch of people.  Crusher is getting mad jealous with picard's old slit around.

Shit starts getting weird with the time travel and whatnot.  Gonna go ahead and say that I frankly do not care for time travel plots.  They are always ridiculous and usually have zero repercussions.

oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

There is some new dork transporter chief who almost kills everybody. Looks like a god damn yokel.

The professor's name is Mannheim and god damn if that isn't the funniest name ever. He wakes up from his coma or whatever and he starts talking like some dude who tripped on LSD or something.

Rest of the episode is time distortion this, time distortion that. And Picard trying to get his d wet. Never does though, which is sort of a bummer. Hopefully he spends some time with the hot holodeck lady, who the internets tell me is Isabel Lorca. 

So yea, time jargon, Data saves the day, who cares. God damnit why are all my least favorite episodes written by girls?  Picard gives a good lesson for all the bros out there - don't be a big sloppy pussy when you got a lady.