GUEST POST: DS9S1 - The Emissary (part 1) - Dr. Steven Kilpatrick

YOU WILL ALL SIT DOWN AND SHOW STEVEN THE RESPECT HE DESERVES. HE IS A POET AND A MAN OF LETTERS. THIS IS THE FIRST PART OF HOPEFULLY MANY GUEST POSTS FROM SUCH DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMEN. I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS HOW TO TAKE SCREEN SHOTS.

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It’s time to live blog the one narrative in American culture that tells the simple tale of a black man stripped from his homeland, separated from his family by a British guy who raped and killed his wife and is then forced to work on the far side of the known world to rebuild a bigoted and religious society. Did I mention that the British guy is part of a collective society hell-bent on enslaving an entire civilization, taking away their culture and putting them to work harvesting resources?

Nope. It’s not Roots. It’s Deep Space Nine! Although, I’m sure Kunta Kinte is over on the Enterprise working for the same white devil that fucked up Sisko’s life. Speaking of getting on with this shit:

(Oh wait, I thought of one more, he was taken there by ship…)

0:01-3:25

Deep Space Nine, episode one opens with a little back story and then Picard spouting off “Resistance is futile.”

Remember when that phrase had enough novelty that you didn’t want to stomp Brannon Braga’s balls and throw him down a mineshaft? Yeah, me either. Aging sucks. This show aired before I was in high school and now I’m nearly dead. Let’s move on.

First of all, this first episode is long. It’s really long. Not as long as the withering stare that Sisko manages every few scenes. The bad news is his entire life is being rocked by the Borg. The good news? He’s now single ladies! No, his wife’s still breathing. Give it a minute. Yep. Dead. I hope there’s not any lingering tension between Sisko and Picard later.

3:40-3:45

Uh ohhhhh. Someone is classically trained and knows who August Wilson is! Damnit Avery, you’re on camera, not stage. Pull your shit together man!

4:55-6:00

A kid who lost his mother in a fire fight still doesn’t have enough perspective or understanding of the trials in life to stop bitching about a new assignment. Possible that future kids are mentally retarded? I mean, he sees a space station and asks if it’s a space station. This kid is going to wind up eating self-sealing stem bolts in a corner with his illiterate friend. I’m just guessing.

6:00-8:05

The opening credits just spoiled a lot of shit for you. Still, it’s the best song of the entire series. I wonder if we can convince Jim to record a cover of the Enterprise theme as a gag when we start covering Enterprise on the blog. I’ll do the vocals. He’ll probably remind me that I’m supposed to sing “Hold me Closer Tony Danza.” You know what, let’s keep things going. Did I mention this episode is long?

8:05-8:30

Miles is here and so is exposition through an idealized construct. That’s right, like every Star Trek in history, when you want some exposition but you’re too lazy to work it into the action, just have the captain talk aloud to himself for a while. Ooh, shit, I mean COMMANDER. Still, if you need to dump a lot of information fast, I suggest you get yourself a captain’s log. Now that I have Kinect for my 360 I’ll sometimes pretend that I’m a captain. Here’s how it usually goes:

Me: XBox—ESPN.
Xbox: [DOES NOTHING]
Me: Look you piece of shit, I said “Xbox—ESPN”
Xbox: [Opens Netflix]
Me: No god damnit! E-S-P-N!

The future has arrived.

8:40-8:45

Here’s how that really went:

Sisko: Why hasn’t anyone here cleaned this up

O’Brien: Because these fuckers were waiting on the blacks and the Irish to come in and do the dirty work.

P.S. There will be lots of social commentary because that’s how science fiction is often used traditionally. It’s a means of making our current societal issues “the other” and removing them far enough from our current perspective that we’re able to view them in a new and enlightened context.

I will then peel back the thin film of social construction for you, the reader (by you the reader I mean Jim—the only fucking reader. I’m not even reading this as I type it. I’m watching the episode. Are you calling me a liar? For god’s sake look at the time stamps!)

Geeze. There’s still like 120 minutes. We’d better find some sort of temporal situation before my ass starts hurting. From the sitting too much, not from feeling fucked by the fact that this show isn’t on Netflix yet so I have to watch a shit copy I downloaded illegally. We can redact that last part.


Right around the 9:00 mark:

First appearance of Quark—even though Shimmerman played another character on Trek in the past, this is a totally different character that doesn’t totally look just the same. Because that would be racist. Seriously. When dealing with alien life forms “race” isn’t even a misapplied signifier the way it is when dealing with skin color in the 20th and 21st century (the past for the sake of our reader). Somehow, though, despite all that progress, he’s still just a bad stand in for what some asshole thinks the Jews are like.

9:25-9:45

Not only do we get some classic Sisko over acting and eye movement, we get what seems to be a gay proposition from an elderly prostitute. This is exactly what happened to Joel in Canada.

Full disclosure: I once had a Bajoran earring made for me at a Ren Faire. That guy was wearing his on the right. That’s called “flagging.”

10:00-11:00

Oh, good. Jake is still whining like a pussy. I guess in space black men don’t back hand their children anymore. At what cost, progress?!!

Miles: Oh, and by the way Sisko, if you don’t have anything else to do (you know, since your wife is dead and your life is in shambles) could you go andtalktocaptainpicardyouknowtheguywhokilledyourwife?

Sisko: What was that chief?

Miles: Nothin’

Now Jake is bitching about the food replicators. No wonder Sisko holds it together so well. His wife may be dead but he’s still got plenty of pussy in his life. Jake, act like a man…and get out of those silly ass overalls.

12:00-16:00

Kira spends a while being grumpy and having a shitty haircut. We also meet Odo via comm screen. We see him again soon after when he’s screaming at bad guys.

Oh, and Odo is one of those liquid terminators.

Quark gets his first speaking part of the episode. Sisko makes his first real power play. Black people are shifty—but so is Odo. We can’t trust ANY of these fuckers.

16:15-20:00

Picard doesn’t remember killing Sisko’s wife. AWKWAAARRRD!

Sisko also reveals that he might not stay with Starfleet. I sure hope there’s a key plot point that convinces him to stay. It’s taken us too many years to get a black captain [ok fine, commander] and I’m not ready to let that go yet.

Another aside: How is it that in our actual time we have an actual black president, but it took the open minded future decades to get a black leading man? Once we got one we still only got a commander. Sisko is still the only Trek leading man who had to work his way up to captain through the course of the series.

Great moment of dramatic irony (which is when the audience knows something that the character does not you fucking idiots, stop going to google every god damn time I use a literary term) as the likely departing Sisko blackmails the departing Quark into staying.

What. A. Fucking. Hypocrite.

21:33 -24:00

Sisko eye fucks Kira while they both compare the size of their custodian dicks. Yeah, that’s right, we have a strong woman and a strong black man proving that they’re really really great at tidying up and gossiping. Thank goodness the gay, homeless, Bajoran Santa Clause comes to spare us any more.

Also, when Sisko tries to prove his hands are dirty, how the fuck is an alien white woman supposed to know the difference?

25:00-28:00

The Kai mentions irony. I’ve been preparing you assholes for it, but you weren’t ready.

I’m shocked this bitch didn’t feed Sisko a cookie. THERE IS NO SPOON!

Damnit, now I wish Avery Brooks had been Neo.

Wait a second—now that I’ve seen him in that ugly shirt I take it all back.

Also, it’s a little weird that Sisko is narrating this event with Jen as it happens. This isn’t a captain’s log, you’re looking a little crazy.


31:00-33:45

We find out that Sisko has a journey to take. You think it’s some sort of Star Trek?

Meanwhile, people are drinking and gambling again. It’s good to know that in times of tragedy we always get the important businesses up and running first. How long before we have a shuttlecraft bailout in this episode?

34:00-38:00

That awkward fellow is Julian. The attractive, smug one is Dax. Ok, so they’re both smug. Make a note heathens. Only one of them will be dead in six seasons. SPOILER!

We get to see that somehow Julian and Kira both have a decent working knowledge of the lingo of U.S. Westerns and the notion of the noble savage.

Gee, I sure wish there was some sort of plot device that we could use to see exactly how a trill works or what one looks li—OH MY GOD WE’VE BEEN TRANSPORTED TO ANOTHER PLACE!

Trills look far less fuckable than I’d hoped.

39:00-40:20

O’Brien is on the set of the Enterprise. Picard comes in to remind him that the English can get the jump on the Irish any time they like.

There’s less tension and more affection in this particular interaction with Picard. Anyone else think it’s because Picard has yet to kill anyone in O’Brien’s family? You can argue the point if you think I’m off base.

41:00

The Enterprise has left and now the Cardassians are about to wave their dicks around. You know what, come to think of it, I’m not really sure if the Cardassians are packing. Pretty ethnocentric of me I guess. All I really know is those guys found a way to rape a whole lot of Bajoran women.

You know what…we’d better make this a two-parter.

TNGS2: Pen Pals

Shit man, another episode I didn't remember right off the bat. It is kind of like Seinfeld, where I have seen 99% of the episodes but every once and a while I find one that managed to slip through the cracks. Too bad it looks like this is a god damn Wesley episode. A synopsis from another fellow ultra nerd went like "the shitty one where data is on AOL instant messenger with some chick who lives in some alien Pompeii".

"A/S/L?"

Pretty much, this episode is boring. And child molester-y. This alien lady is like 10 and Data is getting his flirt on while her planet is blowing up. We only find out that it is blowing up because of lame ass Wesley Crusher. He even has the gall to interrupt Riker while he is trying to get his dingle some tingle.

Enterprise hussy

At the very least this episode touches on the Prime Directive, which is one of the more compelling aspects of exploring the galaxy. Riker, the cold blooded bastard, is all for just letting the entire planet with the girl on it blow up because it was their fate or something. Somehow, stupid Wesley figures out a way to save the day with his nerd powers in like 13 seconds.

For some reason Data decides it would be a good idea to beam down and talk to this chick? Where is Chris Hansen when you need him? This is a total fuckup but he does it anyways, has to have her memory wiped, but gives her a rock when she is asleep. And maybe gets a little grope on? Bad Android, bad!

"she was so angelic...!"

Creepy bro, mad creepy.

I wonder where that finger is going....

Oh yea, Picard rides a horse.

cool story bro

TNGS2: The Icarus Factor

Yet another time when Riker turns down his own command to stay on the Enterprise. I guess being the XO on the flagship is better than being captain of some dirt freighter? Probably more tang on the Enterprise.

This episode is a total bummer. Riker is one of my favorite characters and this one is about his dang daddy issues. I guess paw paw ditched him when he was a kid and that made him sad. Daddy Riker tries to make things right but Riker ain't having it. God damnit quit trying to give the cool badasses feelings.

The b plot is also about Worf having some god damn feelings. How are you going to make the two most stone cold dudes on the show turn into whiny crybabies in the same dang episode. At least Worf isn't crying about his pappy but about some Klingon shit. He fights through it and gets stabbed with some pain sticks at least.

This one is hard to watch, feelings, sappy piano music and strings. I can't get even into the Riker's dad character since he made the poor choice to bang Dr. Pulaski.

Yea, bad call dude

Blah blah blah, they do some weird blind american gladiators shit, and Riker stays - the end. Fuck this episode.

edit: ok god damn I have to admit the anbo-jitsu suits are pretty fucking weird-rad

TNGS2: Time Squared

To repeat, I watched this one about a week ago and even took screenshots on my laptop, but I'm at work and bored out of my mind so fuck it. lets just get through this together and it will really strengthen our relationship. Because that is how build attachment, solve problems together! This blog is a problem, and it needs solving people. As far as I can tell there are only two ways out, Keep Trekkin' or Die Tryin' (jesus kill me now).

The opening scene is kinda silly. Riker, like a boss, is throwing a dinner party for all his Enterprise bros and decides to make omelets. Which is classy - breakfast for dinner but still sorta frenching it up. Except Riker, bro, for one thing you are making fucking scrambled eggs here homeboy, and for another, you are sucking at it. This is maybe my biggest complaint about eating eggs out at restaurants - fucking nobody knows how to make a god damn scrambled egg. If I ever get served to me some scrambled eggs that aren't fucking overcooked, dry, and flavorless, I will collapse down on my knees and praise THE ONE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED. Come on guys, low heat, keep them moving at all times, add some butter at the end. How hard is that! You don't have to stir them beforehand, don't season them till you are done, please, make me some decent scrambled eggs!

Riker is making his on a god damn griddle and they come out nasty. Might be because he got the eggs from some peruvian feathered stink ox or something, but only Worf eats them and it is comical.

Besides that, this episode has some problems much like The Royale. It has an interesting premise, some time travel that is surprisingly not obnoxious, and is a Picard episode. Yet, it is awfully forgetful since in the end nothing fucking happens. The McGuffin vanishes, and everybody goes on their merry way. Apparently this was supposed to be the intro of a long Q plot but that stupid boner Gene Roddenberry nixed it. It is good if only for the Picard on Picard scenes - now that is what I call erotic!

TNGS2: The Royale

Well dudes, I fucked up. I watched this episode and the next a while back and never screenshotted or wrote about them and now I'm screwed. The result has been me not watching any Trek and god damnit this will simply not stand. So, I'm going to write a few shitty paragraphs for each and move on. 700+ fucking episodes, they can't all be winners. Go fuck yourself.

Alright, so The Royal is my least favorite kind of episode - quirky situation makes characters act quirky and then everything goes back to normal. What do they call these, bottle episodes? Some shit like that where the arc of the series doesn't move at all.

Reading the episode notes, apparently this one started out cooler and was hacked up in committee to be the semi bland end result. I am of the opinion, especially lately, that greatness comes from when one guy is the driving force behind whichever creative endeavor. Or one team, or whatever, none of this design by committee bullshit. Once the executives get their grubby little paws on things, shit hits the fan. Look at South Park, or Louie, where they basically just hand those dudes bags of money through a slot in the door every month and they give them a new episode. And they are the best shows on TV! I digress.

So, The Royale consists of the enterprise finding a piece of an old NASA probe far off in the boonies, being confused, finding a place on the surface of a methane atmosphere planet that has a pocket of air and a door on a soundstage.

Strange fucking door in the middle of nowhere on an uninhibited planet! Better walk in!

So they do, and immediately become stuck somehow. They deduce they are acting out the shitty book The Royale and win their way out of the situation. And then they go home, the end. Who cares!

Maybe I am ragging on this episode too hard. It ain't that bad. There is one thing that always kind of bothered me, and its not even particular to this episode but I fucked up and don't have anything else to write about. What is the fucking range on Deanna Troi's powers? How can she telepath all the way down to a god damn planet while she is in orbit? Or sense other people in ships when the Enterprise comes in contact? She is always able to tell how Riker is doing, emotionally of course, what a fucking worthless superpower.

Uh yea, I should move on to Time Squared, butcher that one, and get back on track here. To repeat, go fuck yourselves.

TNGS2: Contagion

The first three minutes of this episode are 10 trillion times better than the whole last one. Neutral zone, Galaxy class ship blowing up, black captain with an awesome stache, Romulans! I mean shit. Seriously, god damn I am still mad about that shitty Wesley episode I had to watch.

Uhh, well shit. I got kinda too engrossed in this episode to take anymore screen caps. There wasn't really anything to make fun of, just fucking solid. Once again, I guess because of the writer's strike they were just looking around for anybody to write an episode. This one was done by the office computer guy.

So the black wizard captain of the Yamato was on a mission to find some archeological site, and his ship started acting all kuh-razy and then blew itself up. Kuh-razy! Then, Picard orders tea and gets a potted plant instead! Super kuh-razy!

It just so happens that the old alien guys gave the ships a computer virus (oh no!!!!), Data too, and the solution?

Ridiculous. This episode is still greatness, I mean maybe just because I watched it right after that last abomination - but I will give it the benefit of the doubt. I give this episode the rating of 43 Conan O'Briens.

TNGS2: The Dauphin

God damn I don't remember this one at all. Probably because it is a shitty Wesley episode. Don't try to fool us into thinking Wesley likes girls - we all know the truth. His little onesies, his pompadour, this whole fucking episode is god damn awkward Wesley pretending he likes girls. Fucking terrible. How are you going to have a shitty Wesley episode right after a beast like Measure of a Man. Fucking shameful.

fucking hate you wesley

So yea, there is some girl who is supposed to be head honcho of some backwater planet that nobody knows or cares about. She falls in love with stupid boner Wesley for some god damn reason and of course that is bad news. Everybody tries to tell her that Wesley is a crybaby wiener and that he is totally not worth it but of course that just makes her like him more. It is like they don't know dumb teenage girls at all. She is pretty dang hot though.

There is a scene where she has some random other hot girl in her room and I'm waiting for them to start making out or something but no, she turns into a fucking little ewok thing. This episode sucks. The ewok things make this horrible fucking noise too, like a drunk guy with down's syndrome who just realized the absurdity of his own existence.

you know, maybe just make out a little

wtf

The plot of this episode is so dumb I can't be bothered to care. There are three funny scenes though, one is Worf getting a bone thinking about mating with some nasty Klingon ladies and getting all pervy. Another is when Geordi realizes that Wesley has his little girl boner and can't work. "Eventually you will give up on girls and hang out in engineering like me Wes."

The last funny thing is any time they do the weird ewok shape shifting thing the stop motion effects are horrible. This show blows my mind, sometimes the effects and sets will badass and then sometimes....ridiculous.

seriously look at this ridiculous thing

Best part of the episode? Wesley looking sad.

Worst part? Wesley being a little crybaby for the 8,000th time. "Oh I fell in love with you in 13 minutes and then you turned out to be a shapeshifting weirdo wah wah wah". Man up, shitheel. Sometimes the lady turns out to be not as awesome as she looks.

SO MANY FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS

I give this episode -37 stars. Fuck you Dauphin.

she is too hot for you anyways 

TNGS2: The Measure of a Man

Fuck man I am slipping. Was hoping to be on a season/month pace but I am being a piece of shit "playing music" and "dating a girl"- Rick Berman would be ashamed of me, worst Trek fan ever.

Episode starts with something I had forgotten about, the bridge crew poker game. Right off the bat I can tell something is a little different with this episode, new director or something. Different shots and camera angles and whatnot than usual. It is not anything major, but just this shot pointing up towards the characters with the Enterprise chillin in the background is a nice change of pace. I like/am ashamed that I am able to notice these things.

This is a pretty rad one, has all the elements that make a good Trek episode for me. For one, it is basically a Picard episode even though it revolves around the philosophical implications of Data. Anytime they let Patrick Stewart off the leash is going to be fucking amazing. Also, this episode deals with the banality of Starfleet which for some fucking stupid reason always fascinates me.

The crux of this episode is that some fucking weasel wants to take Data apart and build a shitload more. But apparently the operation is not without risks, so Data doesn't want to do it. Fucking weasely asshole guy decides to be a little bitch and get his admiral buddy to pull some strings and get Data declared as property.

Check out that ridiculous admiral's uniform. Fake ass Adrian Brody on the right there is the weasel. Apparently he is some shitty robotics guy and hates Data because he is not as cool as him. Picard, knowing that his monologues are unstoppable killing machines, challenges the Starfleet ruling in a military court, which is run by the same lady who tried to court martial him after the Stargazer incident.

"I want your Jean-Luc dong"

Picard has an ace up his sleeve in that this lady is begging for it. They get the trial underway, and with a little "this is just like slavery" pep talk from Whoopi, Picard fucking nails it and shows that weasel what is up. Also, Data has to admit that he banged Tasha in court which is p funny.

Like I said man, cool fucking episode. Manages to touch on some heavy shit without being overly preachy or ridiculous. I had forgotten about this one and I am surprised it was from season 2. Apparently the writer's strike was still going on so they dug up fucking lawyer scab script and changed some names around but I'll be damned if it didn't work. And yea, first time out for director Robert Scheerer, nailed it bro. Some cool shots:

Time for some fun Data facts too:
Storage Capacity: 800 quadrillion bits (100 PB) (The entire internet now is 5.8 PB)
Processor Speed: 60 trillion ops/ec (60 THz)

TNGS2: A Matter of Honor

Man the intro to this episode is weird. Strangely dull, I guess it is sort of what it would be like to live on the ship day to day as they are doing some crew transfers. Then, Picard and Riker and go some wildass phaser range. I dunno, there is no music, it is just a weird vibe.

I guess Riker is going to temporarily hang out on a Klingon ship? Thought it would be a good time. There is a fart sniffer guy back from before too.

Fart sniffer is a total dick, acting like he owns the place. A typical trait of fart sniffers I guess. Fucks shit up for everybody in this episode with his nasty fart breath. Wesley has a crush on him and they almost touch wieners on the bridge.

He notices some doodoo growing on the Klingon ship and doesn't tell anybody. Then, the doodoo starts growing on the Enterprise. But oh no, Riker is hanging with his Klingon bros and they think he did it!

Riker hanging out on the Klingon ship is pretty rad. He beats some ass, suggets a threesome with some nasty Klingon ladies, eats worms and hearts and shit, good times.

As a quick aside, I fucking love the way Klingon Birds of Prey look. Sorta weird that they have the Birds of Prey and the Romulans got Warbirds, cool theme I guess.

Fart breath finds a way to get rid of the doodoo on the ships, but the Klingons are still convinced it was an attack. Riker uses his good looks and wits to remove the Klingon captain and takes over, saving the day, as usual, with grace and dignity for all parties involved. There is a reason I am growing this shitty Riker beard, maybe one day I can be 1/30th as cool as a fictional starfleet officer.

thats doodoo baby!

TNGS2: Unnatural Selection

aww yisss

ALRIGHT NERDS, this episode is surprisingly not bad despite the fact that it spits in the face of the official Star Trek canon. SPITS IN ITS FACE I SAY. More on this later.

Enterprise is straight chillin, as usual, and gets a distress call from some transport ship. I always imagined it would be a total bummer to be a captain on some shitty starship, going from shit planet to shit planet, carrying loads of ore or whatever. It is easy to get lost in the ritz and glamour of the Enterprise but god damnit somebody has got to the shit work. Picard 'n' crew roll up to the shitship and nobody is home, so they decide to hack their shit and find out what the deal is.

Oh noes, everybody is a dead Frankenstein monster! But seriously you guys! Apparently everybody over there got real old real fast. Which is a total bummer, because being old sucks a lot dudes. I just had to go visit my grandmother in a physical therapy rehab center and god damn, totally blowing my brains out before I get old. Totes not worth it.

Like the awesome detectives they are, Enterprise krew decides to backtrack on the cargo vessel's last stops and they head to some research outpost. At said outpost shit is bad because everybody there has the same disease! Crap!

Turns out down there they are doing genetic engineering on humans. Tsk tsk! DON'T YOU KNOW, SHITTY STAR TREK WRITERS, THAT GENETIC ENGINEERING WAS OUTLAWED AFTER WORLD WAR III? DON'T YOU REMEMBER KHAN? KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In any case, planet bros are super bummed because they made a bunch of young looking A.C. Slater's and want to save them! But Picard says no, not swayed by their handsomeness.

uncomfortably handsome

Stupid Pulaski wants to bring them on board and thinks she is super smart but Picard says no some more. She thinks she is sooooooooooo smart so she decides to treat the patient on a shuttle away from everyone  else. But, she sucks, and gets sick from the handsome kid. Oh and they are telepaths, did I mention that?

Enterprise decides "well fuck you then" and drops her off on the planet to get old and die. Sort of like what you do when your grandparents get way too old, drop them off on a home somewhere.

"How about some bingo, deary?"

Pulaski also has the nerve to shit on Data some more, but he is a total badass and saves the day. Then, the Enterprise goes back and blows up the Frankenstein ship. Bummer dudes!

PEACE OUT BITCHES

TNGS2: Schizoid Man

Hell yea, I like this episode for a couple of reasons. One, it is more or less Data centric and Data is just so god damned lovable - the ultimate Tin Man.  The allegory is laid on pretty thick in this one but all is forgiven.

Two, it has one of the unintentionally funniest lines ever in Star Trek:

WOMEN AREN'T PEOPLE! I was hanging out with a buddy of mine who had never smoked weed before and is also a huge Trek nerd. So there we are, all fucking blasted, and this hambone actor drops that line and we both start laughing our asses off. Had to be there I guess.

Lastly, this episode actually touches on something pretty fucking heavy - the ability to download and store a human consciousness - essentially immortality. This is a big hoopla in this day in age called the Technological Singularity, the theory that eventually our computational power will become so great we can download ourselves. The only fucking nitpick (always gotta have one) is that Star Trek will just be like "oh yea we can do this now" and then never talk about it again. They realize one of humanity's greatest dreams and then just move on like nothing ever happened. If you had the chance to download your personality and live in a perfect robot body once you got old, fuck yea you would do it.

Anywho, this episode is about this super smart scientist bro dying and stealing Data's body. I have teased the shit out of Brent Spiner before but at this point he is playing Data pretty well. In fact, he is pretty dang good as a guy trying to pretend to BE Data. Brent Spiner bringing out his old Night Court chops here.

There is a really funny scene at Grave's funeral when everybody sort of figures out that shit is wrong and crosses their arms, incredulously.

Later, Picard is trying to nail Grave's old assistant which makes Data/Ira lose his shit. He lets on to his hussy wannabe girlfriend but she wants nothing to do with him now. Dudes always gotta go all crazy for some lady and screw up everything. The fuckin' way she goes. Picard quotes some Shakespeare and saves the day. Thats when you know you got problems, when P. Stewart busts out the sonnets and the stage falls.

Oh, and in this episode Data has a beard.

TNGS2: Loud as a Whisper

Man god damnit, I thought the next episode was Schizoid Man but no, it is this claptrap. That one rules and this one, not so much, but hey, we we are watching ALL the Star Treks here. Even the shitty ones, hell, especially the shitty ones. At least I get my Ron Jones, it is really sad at this point that I can tell whether or not it is one of his episodes almost immediately. This is quickly turning into a Ron Jones gay fanfic blog, so buckle up y'all.

So Handsome!

Back to this god damn episode about this no talking bearded rapist.

Totally a raper.

So, this fucking asshole has three other shitheads who talk for him and read his thoughts. It is fucking obnoxious and surprise surprise, so is this this guy.

Each of those assholes represents a different part of his personality, the nerd, the rapist, and the cunt. So, whatever part of beardo's personality wants to talk, one of the other dorks does. God forbid you get the system wrong because then the ginger beardo throws a god damn hissy fit.

And of course, he is automatically in love with Troi since she is an intergalactically known prostitute.  So, Beardo takes his rapist guy with him to double team her. The other two schlubs are left to their own devices - sorta awkward. Troi once again falls for them almost instantly, I feel really bad for Riker having probably gotten space-clap from her.

Seriously, this is their fucking date, dude creeping around behind them. 

Beardo gets c-blocked by his fucking job, throws another big baby hissy fit, but then gets to it. He is a negotiator of some sort, hired to bring peace to two shitty aliens that have been fighting for 1500 years. Good luck with that bro.

They all beam down to the surface and then the coolest shit ever happens, one of the aliens blasts away his god damn interpreters, leaving stupid beardo to run around throwing sign language nobody understands.

nice acting, dorks

Turns out the actor playing the beardo is actually deaf in real life, and in case you didn't know, deaf people in real life are kinda assholes.  Seriously they take the deaf lifestyle super duper seriously and get mad when you talk shit about deaf people. So yea, fuck you deaf bastards.

This interpretor guy throws another giant hissy fit after they die and almost refuses to help. This guy is fucking made of hissy fits. But then Troi cries and gets her way and makes him quit being a little deaf bitch. Can't stand crybabies and this guy is the worst fuckin' crybaby ever. So, finally, Troi and her sluttiness pay off, they go down and everybody lives happily ever after. Of course the deaf bastard playing the beardo proposed the new ending which is that learning sign language saved the day for everybody. 

Seriously, fuck deaf people.

"nuh, fuh yu"

TNGS2: The Outrageous Okona

Oh man this lame ass episode.

It is about a dork with a mullett and a puffy shirt who bangs the space skanks on the enterprise, including Terry Hatcher.

If that wasn't bad enough, they had a b-plot of Data trying to learn how to be funny from god damn Joe Piscopo - which is like trying to learn how to be a Christian from Ted Haggard. (heyoooooo)

There is only one good scene in this whole episode, and it is when Worf is sent to hunt down puffy shirt from some hussy's quarters.  Ron Jones lays down a badass Worf theme as he is on the hunt.

So then some other space dorks are on the hunt for puffy shirt mullet man and they find him but oh no they were confused the whole time. Then some shitty w-list actors proclaim their love to each other, the end. Fuck this episode.